Learning...

2011-12-13T10:16:00.000-08:00

decade number three...

2011-05-05T23:55:00.000-07:00

I haven't been much of a journal keeper these last few years, but occasionally I try to de-clutter my mind and put some things on paper. I am a big fan of lists, and goals, and an even bigger fan of looking back through my thoughts and seeing what I was thinking, what has changed, what has come true, what I no longer want to come true! In light of today being my 30th birthday, here are a few entries that seem fitting.

January 2, 2010

(2010 was a particularly challenging year for me. Honestly, it was the worst year of my life. In an attempt to foster an attitude of thankfulness and positivity, I made the following list of the best parts of the year)

Top ten memories/best parts of 2010 (in no particular order):

1) Playing music with Sam and Rachel (Ugly Purple Sweater)- opening for Pearl and the Beard at the Living Room in Manhattan!
2) Playing lovely music with my roomie Joe in our amazing little hallway
3) The day a total stranger bought me my favorite pair of running socks at Footzone in Bend
4) The Tweed Ride in DC!!!! SO completely amazing in all ways.
5) Making some awesome new friends on the wards- Ivana, Poojah, Amit, Kyle, Von Bizzy!
6) Time with Von Biz in DC- especially the night we had dinner with her brother and sis in law.
7) Seeing Horse Feathers at Doug Fir in PDX with Ethan and my brother! And Sara Jackson Holman opening! Sweet new talent from Bend!!!!!!!!!
8) Play with Chris Beland Chabot for his CD release party- what a special event.
9) Moving into my favorite little room ever, and living with the BEST roommates I could ask for in the coolest house in Columbia Heights.
10) Meeting Little Mary Luna Wright and getting a new name- Lila.

4/29/11

I’ll be 30 next week. Wowza. I always wanted to make a "30 things to do before I'm 30" list, but I never did… Here’s a retrospective attempt.
1. Skydive
2. Graduate from med school
3. Take a x-country adventure
4. Fall in love
5. Qualify for the Boston marathon
6. Do an Olympic distance triathlon
7. Take a trip to New Zealand
8.

Hmmm, that’s really all I can come up with right now, and 3 of them are checked off, and 3 of them will happen this next year. So that works for me!
As for new goals, I’d love to match into a residency on the west coast, be happy and sure about my choice, be more intentional about my creative endeavors, be more intentional with my time- period.
Pipe dreams? Write a book. Publish a personal case report/lit review or chart review about the morbidity associated with delayed diagnosis of bronchial carcinoid tumors. Finish the road trip shorts and make a full length something. Write some songs I like. Play more music with more people.

5/5/11
30. I am thirty. I am feeling ok with this. Happy in fact. Excited for tonight- friends and fun at my folks house. Excited for this year- my first year cancer free (for a number of years for all I know). Excited for this decade- hopefully full of change and growth and new adventures. Still no clue what I am going to be when I grow up. Well, that’s not entirely true. I am definitely going to be a doctor- and most likely a surgeon or an anesthesiologist- but not certain which yet. Now off to conquer the world...

life with TWO lungs (minus cancerous tumor)

2011-04-04T10:17:00.000-07:00

Well, I assume anyone who ever checks this blog is also in touch with me using some other means of communication, and therefore, already knows most of the details of my last few weeks. But, what the heck- I'll go ahead and say a bit here too.

Since my surgery exactly 3 weeks ago, my lovely mother and I have been keeping a little journal of progress on a Caring Bridge website you can access here.

The summary of events would go something like this:

March 10th: My friends put together the most wonderful and amazingly successful benefit concert and silent auction here in Bend, Oregon. I flew in (from pre-habbing in Arizona) just in time to get home, shower, dress, and get to the event fashionably late. It was hands down the best event I have ever been to and I was SO overwhelmed (in the best way) by everyones love and support.

March 11th: My friends at Georgetown put together another benefit event in Washington, D.C. with bands I play with out there, t-shirts, beer, and baked goods! They set it up so that i could skype in and see/hear everything and talk with people. It was SO fun to see everyone!!! And, again- totally heart melting. (Heart melting would definitely be the theme of this entire situation.)

March 13th: The Zurflu fam headed to Portland to see my brother, cousin Kerry, Aunt/Uncle/Grandma before heading further north to Seattle.

March 14th: Appointments at UW Medical Center- labs and pulmonary function tests. I spent the evening bouldering/climbing at a sweet rock gym in Seattle. My brother drove up later at night, and my friend Matt flew in around 10pm.

March 15th: Surgery day. I don't remember a lot of details from this day... the anesthesiologist must have done a great job =) I remember we had to be there EARLY, and I remember waking up and hearing I had 2 lungs! I think I remember the surgeon saying something about how he could tell I was a rock climber because I had sweet lats- but maybe I made that up...

The rest is pretty boring- lots of laying around in my hospital bed and doing deep breathing, getting out in the hallway for walks, progressively losing more and more of the lines/tubes/poles that I was tethered to at first. Everyone was very nice and competent and kind. I didn't have the barrage of medical students and residents I had expected. Thankfully I did have someone in my room at all times- Mom, Dad, brother, or friends Matt A. or Erin CB. I can't imagine what it would have been like without them. I was far needier than I could have imagined from the million cups of water I wanted to drink to the ice that was always melting and the circus of getting to the bathroom with all of my accoutrements. Everyone was SO helpful and vigilant. I was/am very lucky to have such a great support team.

I spent Tuesday through Saturday in the hospital, and then a few nights in the burbs with some of my mom's incredibly hospitable friends. Lucky for me I have great friends with tons of frequent flier miles and thus, was able to spend an hour flying home rather than spending eight-ish hours driving home with my mom!

Since then I have been home in Oregon, doing as much walking as I can, napping more than I ever have, and getting awesome acupuncture at Desert Lotus every week. I have good days and bad days. I have pretty much decided I prefer pain over nausea, and that means I am not taking too many narcotics these days. It generally takes 6 months to fully recover, but we'll see... I think all the positive energy everyone has sent my way will continue to help speed things along.

February 30th: I had my 2 week check up and saw the fellow and the PA, since Dr. Wood had to make a last minute trip to the East Coast. They were very pleased with my progress and even said I could start running again if I felt so inclined... I think I will wait a little longer before I take them up on that one.

But, on that note, my CUTE and awesome older brother asked me if I wanted to train for the Portland Marathon this fall! HECK YES I DO! I only wish I could stay here to do that- I am already imagining the stifling hot swamp that D.C. becomes in the summer... AGH. Anyhow, I am so excited he is even considering such a thing! Running is such catharsis for me, I can only hope it will offer him similar reprieve from the stresses of everyday life.

And that brings us to today, April 5th. It's been a fine day so far. Nothing earth shaking about it, just another day in paradise- aka: Bend, Or- where the people are so kind and the views are so inspiring. I have walked twice already, spent some time in 2 of my favorite coffee shops (Backporch and Thump), and seen no less than 15-20 of my favorite humans whilst out and about. Now I am simply waiting for a call from one of my best 2 besties- Jenni. We don't have any big plans- probably another walk. Maybe a hike up Pilot Butte and some delicious food at Zydeco with my folks if we feel so inclined. We'll see... That's the beauty of best friends. It doesn't matter what we do or don't do- we are guaranteed to love every minute of it because we just love being together.

That's all for now dear readers.
As always, I am forever thankful for all of your support during this crazy time, and every other time! I feel like I float through this life atop the helping hands and kind intentions of all of the amazing human beings that make up my community.

The Desert

2011-03-20T12:46:00.001-07:00

"I love the grim gaunt edges of the rocks,
The great bare backbone of the Earth
Rough brows and heaved-up shoulders,
Round ribs and knees of the world's skeleton protruded in lonely places;
Where from ledges of sun-silenced cliffs the wildwar eagle dips aslant
blue ecstasies of air to the delicate deep fringes of the pines;
The long-returning curves of solid hills that bend the wind along the dappled sky;
Or far-drawn levels of mesa-lands,
Receding infinitely, step on step on step. . .
And grandeur of all grandeurs, overall the high commanding glory of the sun!"

-Maynard Dixon, 1922

Here are poems and excerpts of poems from C.E.S. Woods, from Celebration of the Oregon Desert:

"I have come to lose myself in immensity/And to know my littleness./To lie in the lap of my mother and be comforted./
I am alone, yet not alone./My soul is my companion above all companions."

"I know that Nature is part of Eternity,/And I, a part of Nature./I know that I am one with Beauty,/All are Nature's experiments toward a harmony./We sound our tone in the everlasting tune;/Oaks and mosses, thrushes and tree-toads,/Man and the cunningly designed insects,/Little hidden musicians we never see,/Winds and seas and running waters,/Skies and the assemblage of distant worlds./Nature has given me to dive into the depths of the sky;/To catch the pulsing tread of the stars/When, through their bright recessional, We commune together."

"My throat yearns to sing a song of beauty,
For my soul keeps in its secret chamber, The madness of a wind-swept hill-top
Where, from under a shading laurel,
We watched the white clouds lure the winds,
Their lovers,
Down into the caverns of the sky."

More magical Arizona

2011-03-10T07:22:00.000-08:00

Looks like I started this blog in the airport on the way home, and then promptly forgot to finish it or publish it. So, here it is- a little summary of my last week in AZ before the benefit or the surgery.

March 10th, 2011
Well, the trip is over- or almost over. I am writing this from various airports as I make my way back north. Unfortunately my poor planning paired with rather heavy traffic made for a missed flight this morning- a flight that only goes to Redmond once a day, two times a week! So, with the help of an invaluable friend, I was able to get on another flight at a different airport right away, getting me home just in time for the event this evening--- phew!!

A quick recap of this last week in Arizona would include everything from visiting ancient ruins (cliff-side dwellings and a beautiful place with aquamarine waters that is purported to be the sort of wellspring of life), running and hiking my lungs into submission through the beautiful red rock formations of Sedona, snowboarding in Flagstaff, rock climbing out on some rather slick sandstone, playing around bouldering and slacklining in a rock gym, and meeting a few lovely people to share some of my time with.

Sedona is known for being a bit magical, or at least full of people who believe in such things. Believe it or not, for me there really was something very therapeutic about being in that red rock haven. The visceral response to the vivid cliffside colors is indescribable. It reminded me of how I feel every time I go out to Smith Rock in Oregon. The rocks are overwhelming in this wonderful way where your senses are being saturated with the beauty and enormity of it all and you simply can’t think about anything else. It is like forced meditation- but effortless. No need to focus in on your breath and try to block everything else out- there's simply no room for petty cares.

On the health front, I was feeling strong, energetic, and motivated to use my body to the fullest each day. I ran and hiked through the desert, enjoying the sunshine and the solitude, and I felt really good. No wheezing, no coughing, no immediate exhaustion! I was all smiles and happy thoughts kicking up that red sand and weaving around the various treacherous plants. (I had a run in with an agave plant and a prickly pear cactus while scrambling up Bell Rock a few days prior)

My favorite run/hike was out Boynton Pass near Fay Canyon. A friend had sent me in that direction, but I think I chose a different trailhead than I intended. However, it ended up being one of the best places to be. I ran the cockscomb trail end to end and scarcely saw anyone else. Then i was still feeling good, so I headed back on a different trail (Aire?) and ended up running into a trail head up Doe Mountain. The view from atop the mesa was 360 degrees of grandeur. I met a few lovely ladies at the top who shared some of their provisions with me (the ill prepared adventurer) and told me ancient tales of how the earth began and why the rocks in Sedona were so vibrantly red. Once I descended Doe Mt, it was only a short run back to my car, and I felt invincible. I wish I could have stayed there a little longer. The hiking/mt.biking/running options are epic and seemingly ENDLESS!

Hopefully I will return there someday soon to continue my adventures through the red rocks.

laying low in the desert

2011-03-02T19:10:00.000-08:00

Thanks to my lovely parents and some of their ridiculously generous friends, I am relaxing (and getting some exercise) down in the wonderfully warm sunshine of southwest Arizona. I really needed some "alone time" to just be me... not the cancer patient, the sick girl, the daughter who is being worried about every second of the day- just me, Erin. It's a personal retreat of sorts. I suppose it's rather fitting in the midst of a life changing experience to want to spend some time alone to really take stock of everything and to prepare as much as possible for the upcoming challenges by being healthy and strong and full of joy and peace.

So, here I am in a beautiful and perfectly peaceful desert where my cell phone rarely works and internet service comes and goes as it will. My days are filled with yoga, fitness classes, poolside naps, reading, running, and hiking. The scattered cacti paint a huge grin across my face and the towering red rocks on the horizon keep me jonesing for more rock climbing adventures.

Last evening I took off up a little butte to watch the sunset. My camera was low on batteries and kept turning off as I desperately tried to capture the colorful scenes unfolding above the desert floor. Moment to moment the scene kept changing from beautiful into more and more beautiful. I was astounded at how my idea of "the most gorgeous sight ever" kept being updated over and over again as the sun set lower and lower behind the distant mountains.

here are a few pictures I managed to shoot off before the camera quit cooperating.

different ways to donate...

2011-02-25T23:06:00.000-08:00

1) Online here

2) Come to the event Thursday March 10th 6-11PM at The Century Center All funds from the door, food, beverages, and awesome silent auction items will go into the EZ Lung Cancer Fund.

3) Or donate goods/merchandise for the silent auction by contacting ecolebaker@gmail.com

4) Monetary donations may also be made at any Wells Fargo branch nation wide. Ask to donate to the Erin Zurflu Lung Cancer Fund.

5) And if you are far away or a little more old fashioned, you can always write a check to the same fund and mail it to whomever you trust to deposit it in the fund here in Bend, Oregon!

Please contact ecolebaker@gmail.com with any further questions about how to donate.

Humbling, but heart melting

2011-02-25T22:49:00.000-08:00

Here is the poster put together in a jiff by New Zealand's uber talented and lovely Toni Brandso. thank you Toni!! nice to have support all over the world!! xo

Strange dAYS

2011-02-22T14:41:00.000-08:00

Welp, here it is. A simple forum to let everyone know what's going on in my world. Forgive me if I don't wax too poetic here. I find myself avoiding this task because I want the posts to be witty and poignant... probably not necessary, or realistic.

I was recently diagnosed with lung cancer. To be more detailed- I have a sizable carcinoid tumor in my right intermediate bronchus extending into the sub-carinal space. They discovered the tumor on a CT scan in the ER earlier this month, after I unexpectedly coughed up bright red blood.

The diagnosis was surprising, but not without fair warning. It has been a rough 3+ years health-wise, and in retrospect it all seems so obvious. Sudden development of "asthma" that doesn't respond to treatment, chronic cough that was strong enough to break a few ribs, multiple episodes of pneumonia, nausea, weight loss, and then the final icing on the cake- hemoptysis.

Carcinoid tumors are curable, but not very responsive to chemotherapy or radiation. So that leaves surgical removal. Unfortunately, carcinoid tumors are often so centrally located that it is difficult to remove them completely without removing the entire lung. The thought of losing a lung breaks my heart a little since I have thoroughly enjoyed using both of my lungs over the years. But, until they get in there for the surgery no one can really predict how it will turn out. So I hope for the best and try not to think too much about the alternative. Either way, I will be cancer free and I will have a great story =)

I am having the surgery in Seattle at the UW Medical Center next month with an amazing thoracic surgeon who has extensive experience in thoracic oncology and feels very comfortable taking my case. I met him last week when my mom and I traveled to Seattle for another bronchoscopy and biopsy. He is kind and easy to talk with, and is hopeful that he can spare some of my right lung during the surgery.

As for medical school, I am in my fourth year at Georgetown, but I am now on a medical leave. I had already taken a "leave of absence" at the end of November to do research for the rest of the school year. To be honest, I was exhausted and a little confused and wanted to be home with my family for a while. This last year was hands down the most difficult year of my life. I am well aware that I have led nothing but a charmed life so far, but last year was a bit of a goat show and I was worn out. Luckily a very kind and understanding dean granted me some time off with the intention of returning to graduate with the class of 2012. (That is still the plan, by the way).

So, here I am! I am so incredibly thankful to be home during this time. As always, I feel completely loved and supported by this community. So many amazing people have invested in me over the years and enabled me to live out my dreams. Thank you for loving me in the good times and the bad. Somehow you have already managed to make a semi-horrifying experience lovely and inspiring.

e.

leaving

2010-08-04T11:25:00.000-07:00

Well- I arrived in Washington DC yesterday evening after a nice 7 week hiatus in Bend, OR. While I was home I dug through some boxes at my parents house in an attempt to cut down on the amount of junk I store there. In the process I came upon some great stuff- old photos, old clothes, and my external harddrive which ended up containing more treasures than I remembered!! I was overjoyed to find old music, photos, and most fun- VIDEOS! I found tons of footage from our epic x-country adventure that I thought had vanished!! So there will be many more movies to come! (when I get some more free time that is)

Another fun thing I found that I had completely forgotten about was my little travel journal from the trip. It was SO fun looking back through my musings from just over 3 years ago- my how we change... Anyhow, it was also very timely as I am in this funny place where I miss Oregon so desparately, yet I chose to move here so wholeheartedly. Reading back through my journal reminded me how excited I was about all of this. This right now- this life out here that I sometimes loathe- this was my dream! This was my hope. This was my excitement. Now that could make me feel all sorts of emotions- but thankfully- it just reminds me that I am living the dream. I am doing what I want, in the place I wanted to be. And that helps me live with thankfulness and purpose.

I want to include an excerpt from the first entry here- but it is NOT my writing. It is from a book that I was reading at the time- a wonderful and timely book called "Through Painted Deserts" by Donald Miller. (In fact I have a great story about this book and its author and how intertwined we all ended up being... but I'll save it for now as my to do list is SCREAMING for attention this afternoon)

Anyway, here it is- such perfect poetry for my life. I know it is long- but trust me- it is worth the read.

“…[e]verybody, every person, has to leave, has to change like seasons; they have to or they die. The seasons remind me that I must keep changing, and I want to change because it is God’s way. All my life I have been changing. I changed from a baby to a child, from soft toys to play daggers. I changed into a teenager to drive a car, into a worker to spend some money. I will change into a husband to love a woman, a father to love a child, change houses so we are near water, and again so we are near mountains, and again so we are near friends, keep changing with my wife, getting our love so it dies and gets reborn again and again, like a garden, fed by four seasons, a cycle of change. Everybody has to change, or they expire. Everybody has to leave, everybody has to leave their home and come back so they can love it again for all new reasons.

I want my soul fertile for the changes, so things keep getting born in me, so things keep dying when it is time for things to die. I want to keep walking away from the person I was a moment ago, because my mind was made to figure things out, not to read the same page recurrently.

Only the good stories have the characters different at the end than they were at the beginning. And the closest thing I can liken life to is a book, the way it stretches out on paper, page after page, as if to trick the mind into thinking it isn’t all happening at once. Time has pressed you and me into a book too, this tiny chapter we share together, this vapor of a scene, pulling our seconds into minutes and minutes into hours. Everything we were is no more, and what we will become, will become what was. This is from where story stems, the stuff of its construction lying at our feet like cut strips of philosophy. I sometimes look into the endless heavens, the cosmos of which we can’t find the edge, and ask God what it means. Did you really do all of this to dazzle us? Do you really keep shifting, rolling round the pinions to stave off boredom? God forbid Your glory would be our distraction. And God forbid we would ignore your glory.”

“…life cannot be understood on a flat page. It has to be lived; a person has to get out of his head, has to fall in love, has to memorize poems, has to jump off bridges, has to stand in an empty desert and whisper sonnets under his breath:
I’ll tell you how the sun rose
A ribbon at a time . . .

It’s a living book, this life; it folds out in a million settings cast with a billion beautiful characters, and it is almost over for you. It doesn’t matter how old you are; it is coming to a close quickly, and soon the credits will roll and all your friends will fold out of your funeral and drive back to their homes in cold and still and silence. And they will make a fire and pour some wine and think about how you once were. . . and feel a kind of sickness at the idea that you never again will be.”

“And so my prayer is that your story will have involved some leaving and some coming home, some summer and some winter, some roses blooming out like children in a play. My hope is your story will be about changing, about getting something born inside of you, about learning to love a woman or a man, about learning to love a child, about moving yourself around water, around mountains, around friends, about learning to love others more than we love ourselves, about learning oneness as a way of understanding God. We get one story, you and I, and one story alone. God has established the elements, the setting and the climax and the resolution. It would be a crime not to venture out, wouldn’t it?
It might be time for you to go. It might be time to change, to shine out.

I want to repeat one word for you:

Leave.

Roll the word around on your tongue for a bit. It is a beautiful word, isn’t it? So strong and forceful, the way you have always wanted it to be. And you will not be alone. You have never been alone. Don’t worry. Everything will still be here when you get back. It is you who will have changed.”

third year over

2010-06-19T23:06:00.000-07:00

Medical school is like nothing you have EVER experienced. Unless, of course, you have been a med student. It is both an incredible privelege and an awful undertaking. Our days are full of amazing and infuriating people, heart warming and heart breaking interactions, incredible triumph and utter soul crushing defeat. The third year is particularly manic in this respect with its seemingly exciting new roles and responsibilities and the painful realization that this is really difficult and draining work. The hours are long and the duties not often glamorous. And at the end of the day, you must conjure up the fortitude to get yourself home, ignore the temptation to simply crash on the first padded surface you can find, and actually open up a book to study in hopes of feeling less inept the following day.

Think back, if you will, to the first few days or weeks of your first real job. Sure there was excitement- the possibility of meeting new people and learning new things, the joy in knowing you were chosen for this particular job, the promise of finally putting those hard earned skills to work and getting paid! But, likely you can also remember the uncomfortable nature of navigating a new space, a new system, a new group of individuals, a new set of rules and norms and expectations. Now imagine you are required to start a new job, at a new company, in a different field every 2-6 weeks. And at each job you are expected to be an expert of sorts, well-read in your respective field, comfortable with the technology and the protocols and the necessary procedures. At each new job you are working with a number of bosses who all have very specific and very different expectations. Each is watching your every move, taking note of your knowledge base, your professionalism, and your general disposition. Now imagine that no matter how hard you work, how long your hours are, or how vast your fund of knowledge is- you will never get a pay check. In fact, on the contrary, you will pay thousands of dollars a month to come to work at 4am, to be scrutinized by your supervisors, humiliated by your future colleagues, and used by your (just barely) superiors.

Welcome to third year.

home sweeeeeeet home

2010-06-19T23:00:00.000-07:00

i love it. i love the way the air smells. i love the way the mountains loom. i love the way the people interact and smile and care. i love my parents. i love my friends. i love back porch coffee. i love the instant comfort of home, the ease of familiarity, the peace and rest and calm. breathe it in body, take it all in.

oh the places i've been...

2010-03-07T02:57:00.000-08:00

Create your own travel map or travel blog

Vacation rentals at TripAdvisor

when it rains, it pours (livers)

2010-02-07T16:47:00.000-08:00

so a quick update...
im back to school.
im halfway through my surgery rotation.
i usually rise at 4am and come home around 7 or 8pm.
i am questioning my resolve for seemingly endless years of this lifestyle.
but i do love the OR.

currently i am on the transplant service.

for 3 weeks we didn't see or hear about any transplants. we wondered how it all worked. where are the patients waiting for organs? why aren't any organs becoming available? do transplant surgeons really get to do transplants?
then last week it started. whisperings of a procurement. maybe 4pm. then it was 2 livers, maybe three that night. the first one became more of a reality- 5pm- be in front of the ER in scrubs.

the recipient came in with his wife. i got his whole story, i liked him, i wanted this for him. i started to feel a little jittery about it all.
"how do you feel? are you excited?" his wife and i were chatting while he was out of the room getting the million required tests/labs/images.
"no. i can't let myself get excited anymore. we've been through this too many times and it is just heartbreaking when we walk back out of here same as we came in."

a final call comes in, 4:40, ER, be there- we've got to beat the traffic. then it was off to hospital X in a hired car- black, sleek, fast.

4 hours. 4 surgeons. 2 open the belly, 2 open the chest. stem to stern as they say- best view of anatomy you'll ever get in the OR. heart beating right there in front of us. evaluate the liver. looks good. not too big, not too small. sharp edges. no lumps or bumps, nothing suspect. looks healthy. a call is made- a surgeon waiting at the other hospital is updated. the organ is coming.
dissect dissect dissect. painstaking care. identify all of the important anatomy. dissect dissect dissect.

"how's his pressure? we're about ten minutes away from being ready to cross clamp." dissect dissect dissect. buckets of ice are waiting. bags of fluid are hung, lines prepped, canulas attached. "is the heparin in?"

transplant surgery is like a symphony- quite literally- it involves many players, hundreds of instruments, and a number of different movements, all carefully timed and conducted, with all the potential for something beautiful, or something unbelievably dissonant.

the huge clamp moves from the back table to the mayo and finally into the hand of one of the doctors. the "warm dissection" ends with the cross clamping of the aorta, and the subsequent exsanguination of the inferior vena cava. in other words, when you have sufficiently prepared the dissection with the donor alive, you then proceed by cutting off the main blood supply from the heart to the rest of the body with a big metal clamp, and then you lacerate the huge vein running back from the body to the heart allowing all of the blood to escape out into the area where the right lung used to live. suction suction suction.

preserving solution rushes into the vessels, flushes the blood out, prepares the organs for transport. "how's the flow?" "good- 1 liter in." ice pours into the abdominal cavity thoughtfully placed with urgency. pack it in. "more ice!" large buckets of ice keep appearing in front of me only to be emptied into this gaping cavity. "how's the flow?" "good- 2 liters in." the liver has gone from this vibrant dark reddish-purple to a kind of greyish-brown. it looks cold. this is a good thing.

"three liters in." "ok clamp the lines, lets get some of this ice out of here."
dissect dissect dissect. careful but quick. not everyone has textbook anatomy, and this is where it counts. dissect dissect dissect. finally the liver is free. we move to the back table. 2 surgeons continue dissecting- there are still plenty of organs to procure. the kidneys. and the spleen. and the mesenteric lymph nodes. the kidneys will go to someone else. we don't know who, or where. the spleen and the lymph nodes will go somewhere and be tested for something... (that reminds me- i need to look that up)

more work on the back table- more ice, more identifying, more flushing. back to the body- more dissecting of large lower extremity vessels in case we need graft material during implantation. dissect dissect dissect. i even get a chance to dissect some lymph nodes and to remove the spleen (with plenty of assistance). my first splenectomy. score!

the liver was packed and repacked and double and triple bagged and boxed. no cooler like i expected from my television transplant experience. just a big cardboard box labeled LIVER. brisk walking, back to the black car, back over the river, back to the OR. its all very exciting. but its only the beginning of a very long night. a very long couple of nights for the residents and fellows...

that night another liver was procured from farther afeild, and another recipient received a life saving organ. the third liver didn't end up getting transplanted, never even got procured. the patient was too sick, the status was too sketchy, the surgeons were too busy. but the following day there were more whispers of a possible procurement that night- a plane ride and a hired car, and an ambulance with sirens back to the OR. operate operate operate. early the next morning yet another procurement- this time a multivisceral transplant. a leer jet and a hired car. once again an absolute tragedy on one end provided the hope and the substance for a miracle on the other. inexplicable emotions.

then the snow began to fall. more people were being called into the hospital- being "teed up" for possible transplant. because of the snow? or because they knew something we didn't about someone somewhere about to become a donor? im not entirely sure. but last i heard they were heading into the OR for yet another case.

when it rains, it really does pour (livers).

here's a little online "tour" i found for liver transplant surgery

off to europa!!!

2009-11-17T11:17:00.000-08:00

so im not sure if anyone ever reads this anymore since i never write on it anymore!!! but, i leave for france tomorrow and i think my brain needs to ramble a bit before i go! erin and i will be playing 7 shows all over france and one in switzerland over the next 3 weeks. we are SO excited to travel together and spread some of her lovely music in another land for a while. you can check out our full schedule on www.myspace.com/theerinsband or www.myspace.com/erincolebaker. also her new cd is about to be released in bend december 12th- downtown next door to footzone at the liberty theatre! should be a fun night with casey parnell opening things up and a full band backing erin cb!!!

as for me, i am nearly halfway done with my 3rd year of medical school. i started clinical rotations this year with internal medicine, hematology/oncology, pediatrics, and endocrinology. i am skipping ob/gyn right now in order to go play music in france, but plan on making it up during a year of orthopaedic research ill probably be doing next year.

trying to branch out

2009-02-02T15:57:00.000-08:00

so, this morning i decided i'd like to try out a new coffee place. i usually go to murky coffee, or tryst. both offer a fun little bike ride to get there, fantastic coffee (and food at tryst), awesome music, and plenty of other people hanging out, reading, studying, chatting- so i don't feel so isolated. today i thought i'd try out a place i'd seen around dupont- the soho tea and coffee shop.

Lesson #1- when tea precedes coffee in the title, there might be a valid reason- like the coffee SUCKS.

So i pulled, parked my bike, glanced at an article posted on the door about the women who own the joint- apparently they just got married up north- and i entered the new realm. A pleasant enough atmosphere at first glance- tons of large bright fun pieces of art adorning the walls, a variety of choices for seating- tables and chairs, benches, sofas and armchairs.

The menu looked nice- lots of options for breakfast and lunch and even a wine mango smoothie that sounded nice. but, since i had already had my signature banana pancakes for breakfast, i decided on the usual- a small skim latte.

first of all it came in a tall glass- kind of weird, but a tall glass with a handle- so doable. no latte art, not surprising, barely any frothy goodness to speak of anyway, and HORRIBLE tasting. tasted like old burnt watered down coffee with some milk. YUCK. unfortunately i was in no mood to deal, so i just proceeded to choke down about half of it and get to studying.

next problem- the music- it was quiet, and it was techno. pretty much can't get any worse than that. so i plugged in the old ipod and did my own deal.

interesting morning at soho. turns out it is kind of a gay hang out, so i was one of the only women in there the whole time. a few people started to come in and either read the article on the door and turned around, or stepped in for a moment and then went right back out. weird.

anyhow, i got through a lecture and then decided to find some lunch. i proceeded to Java Green, my new FAVOrite lunch spot just a few blocks away. i had heard of it before and always wanted to check it out. it's one of the only organic and eco-friendly places around. what a treat! i got some crazy spicy dish with rice, cabbage, kale, carrot and mushrooms- i think it was called ba bim bop, or something like that! and to make it even more fun, i ran into will- this guy that i sort of know from murky coffee. turns out he grew up in portland, i always thought he reminded me of home. anyways, running into people i know in the city is always a joy, a fairly rare occurrence.

so, not a bad day- thumbs down on soho, and two enthusiastic thumbs up for java green.

until next time,
e.

The New

2009-01-12T15:45:00.001-08:00

a lovely music video by Erin Cole-Baker featuring beautiful Bend, Oregon in the fall, Joe Kimmel as her brother, Chrissi Wright as her sister, and my parents as her parents! Such a beautiful song and a great 1st video!!! enjoy!

Erin Cole-Baker "THE NEW" Music Video from FARfromEARTH Films on Vimeo.

home SWEET SWEET home

2008-12-15T11:27:00.001-08:00

so- i'm home. and so far, this place continually exceeds my expectations.

i flew in friday evening (with jesse jackson on my first leg to chicago and doug booster on my last leg to bend!) i made it just in time for the real beginning of winter in bend! what a treat- fresh snow, that has stopped intermittently to give some glimpses of blue skies and sunshine before enveloping us again in this snowglobe fairytale experience. I have only been at home twice- to sleep. i wake early and head to my favorite coffee shop- and see where the day will take me, who will enter in and out, and what i will see, learn, realize, awaken in this brain/heart that has been in such a foreign place these last few months(physically and mentally).

the best part has been quality time spent with joe kimmel- an artist in the truest sense, and thus, an intriguing character with thoughts a million miles from these train tracks. i think intense scientific study leaves me LONGING for anything different, something subjective, something less logical and a little more emotional, something beautiful and creative and unknown. Listening to his ideas, walking through his paintings, watching his latest ideas unfold- has been real medicine to my soul. do i still love science and med school and the fairly concrete nature of what i am doing? heck YES! but i need both! we all do.

a glimpse at day one:

started my day at the Backporch with a DELICIOUS latte and a bagel from sparrow. YUM. chatted with the friends behind the counter- always a joy. even got to cup the kenyan coffee i brought from Murky Coffee next to their freshly roasted kenyan- what a treat.

Met up with Beth- my old office manager/awesome friend and her new baby warren. i couldn't get enough of the little guy- so smiley and warm and cuddly. he smelled so good- made me want to buy baby shampoo for myself! ran into a girl from high school and her husband and CUTE kids- fun to chat with them too.

Then, off to toomies for lunch with another old friend. fun to see the crew there and eat some much longed for paht thai- pa style!

next i headed to footzone to see the awesome people there- always puts a huge smile in my heart to see them. may have walked out of there with some new socks, among other things...

now back to backporch to see the cole-bakers and meet back up with joe to head to the indie craft fair at gossamer- which was AMAZING. live music, tons of creative vendors, and overall good vibes.

then off to see some of joe's recent work hanging in blue and treefort downtown. it is such a treat just to see the pieces, but to hear the backstory and the thought process involved- this is priceless.

we had a great visit with my friend irene at her little apartment on the river. as usual i found her in her recliner ready for newport market dinner and a beer. she pretty much rules. she's roughly 80 something... i can't remember exactly, but she is a gem and always has a new vocab word for me to consider- smart cookie.

hunger called us to kebaba for flat bread and hummous followed by delicious tuna kebabs. waiting for the appropriate time to return to backporch yet again for some after hours music a la casey parnell... joe and i decided turkish coffee was the best and tastiest way to kill time. loved it- fun little pots of cardomom flavored coffee to enjoy.

music at backporch was awesome- packed room and great music made for a perfect ending to my first day back.

i LOVE home.

somewhere to vent- please...

2008-11-09T10:26:00.000-08:00

life here is so weird sometimes. people are so foreign. their minds are thinking in such a different universe than mine. don't get me wrong- that's part of the joy of being here. but also a large part of the difficulty. at least at home i know my friends know and understand my mind, and for the most part come from a similar understanding and ideology. here i feel like a complete alien. i feel like i'm back in junior high where i first realized girls were crazy and boys were more fun and easier to have real friendships with. i feel like everyone wants a little, or a LOT, of drama in their lives. instead of just living and enjoying, they are creating these mini dramas that they can star in. i don't even want to be an extra in any of these dramas. i want back my good life. my good friends. my friends that wrestle with the real dramas going on in the world. that wrestle with how to step into the drama of life and make a positive impact. people that are passionate about things bigger than themselves. people concerned with more than their teeny tiny little existence. people that are comfortable in their own skin, and vocal and honest about their discomforts so that others can be thoughtful in their interactions. people that seek truth, and speak truth, and put more weight on truth than feelings. i miss you guys. i miss you a lot. please come and visit. and remind me that i am not alone in the world.

must break to blog

2008-09-21T10:42:00.000-07:00

I'm bored. I'm sitting in murky coffee, a wonderful little gem in Northern Virginia where I often enjoy a cappucino or an iced tea whilst endlessly studying on a comfy couch. Today I've only made it through one pathology lecture so far... cancer lecture- ugh. I don't like cancer. Who does though?? No one. It SUCKS. Bad. Anyways, here's some fun pictures.

There are a few more photos from the wonderful Sisters Folk Festival to post:

Also, the other Erin came out here to DC to visit for a week. Here are some photos and videos from our house partay and our out and about exploits...

some pictures to share

2008-09-11T10:21:00.001-07:00

from both homes...

here's a few from the
Sisters Folk Festival 2008
(more to come)

Roommates in DC- yesterday was steph's birthday

fun family style dinner at bucca di beppo, and cupcakes and wine at home!

Musings

2008-09-09T11:37:00.000-07:00

I just returned from an awesome whirlwind trip to Oregon last week and my mind and body are still reeling. The Sisters Folk Festival was a grand experience, even better than i hoped/imagined it would be. i'll post photos as soon as i round them up! by far the most enchanting artists there were THE WAILIN JENNIES- check out this awesome video of their song one voice:

for more incredibly tight and glorious harmonies: http://www.thewailinjennys.com/

and 19 year old NOAH GUNDERSON- accompanied by his little sister on vio and sweet sweet vocals.
hear his music at http://www.myspace.com/noahgundersen

then check out my friend chris chabot- a striking similarity here...
http://www.myspace.com/christopherchabot

other awesome quirky bands to check out include:

http://www.3legtorso.com/
http://www.mollysrevenge.com/
http://www.thewaifs.com/

anyhow, I think my total number of hours sleeping from friday to monday was about 8... maybe the combo of seeing/hearing so many amazing artists and the incredible lack of sleep have somehow combined to inspire this heart of mine. OR, maybe I am just SO tired that i am less inhibited/unaware of how lame my musings really are! either way- here's a few things i wrote during my pharmacology lecture this morning. (don't worry mom and dad, i already pre-studied the material and the lecture/guy was just plain boring).

the land of giants

driving back into town that morning, just had to pull off and take it all in.
three strong sisters hedging us in, i'm breathing it all in, not sure when i'll be here again.

this is my heart, this is my home
i come from a land of giants

how can i explain this place that reared me, these people who loved me,

these mountains and rivers, sun and sky?
stars in the desert, juniper and sage,
winding forest trails weaving in and out of me...

this is my heart, this is my home
i come from a land of giants

wide open spaces leave plenty of room to grow,
fields to plant deep roots and strange comfort found in blankets of snow.

this is my heart, this is my home,
oh how i wish i didn't have to go

this is my heart, this is my home,
i come from a land of giants

oh dear me...

dear erin, where have you been? seems it's been years now since i've seen you or heard your heart.
i've missed your joy- your light of life, your default optimism and carefree ways.
your free spirit flew too far and ended up entangled in despair- struggling for flight, but ultimately grounded by the weight of the world- intense gravity.

dear erin, it was great to see you last week- but your visit was far too brief...
i barely had a chance to catch up with you, to reacquaint myself with your spirit. please come back again soon- i need to see your smile, feel your warmth, know your hope.

dear erin, it is so good to have you home! you've changed and you've grown.
your heart is fuller, larger, less guarded, maybe even a little wiser.
but please be careful, dear erin, not to get carried away in all your new-found freedom...
i desparately need you here with me.

some pictures from great falls

2008-08-27T04:06:00.001-07:00

here's a little glimpse at great falls on the maryland side. it was a beautiful day after the rain stopped. i went out there with joanna and the italian crew- paola and her brother(alle) and her boyfriend(fede). what a fun bunch!

back at it!

2008-08-22T09:29:00.000-07:00

I'm back in DC and happy to report that I am really enjoying it so far! The weather was my main concern, but it has been unseasonably fall-ish. thank goodness. I moved into a beutiful neighborhood close to school and have really been enjoying the feeling of having a "home" and, of course, having fun roommates. My roommates are Allison Unruh- a fellow Oregonian, Judy Choi of SoCal, and Stephanie Shin of Korea/South Africa. I'll tell you much more about them later.

Anyhow, we just finished our second week of classes, and of course everyone is already feeling a bit "behind." But, such is life in med school. At least we have the weekend to "catch up."

Our first Friday back in school we threw a potluck at our place to catch up with people we hadn't seen over the summer and to show off our new digs. It ended up being more fun than i hoped. We had tons of food and drink and even homemade ice cream! Then it sort of turned into an impromptu dance party in our little sun room, and eventually relaxed into an olympics viewing upstairs.

Saturday I discovered a great game of ultimate frisbee down on the nat'l mall. Must've played for 3 or 4 hours out there. what a blast! I'm aiming to play every saturday and possibly thursday evenings as well.

I've also visited great falls twice since I've been back. It is a gorgeous area where you can view on of the most dramatic sections of the potomac river. The other night I watched a few kayakers play in the white water and even drop some falls. I'll upload some photos of the falls in my next blog.

well- time to get off of the internet and get to reading. thanks for reading!
love,
e.

my mind these days

2008-05-22T13:17:00.000-07:00

TO DO ToDAY:

up, read/pray/journal
run
class 10-12
lunch
lab 1-330
home
study 4-6
dinner
7-9 study
9-11 grey's anatomy season finale!!! woot woot

seriously, this is my to do list today, and pretty much every other day, or a very similar variation thereof.

and then there are the "random" to do's, such as- move out all my crap, clean the entire apartment, find a place to store my goods until august, send myself my fly rod UPS =), forward my mail, book some gigs, etc...

but really, the things i keep thinking the most about are:
june 2nd- final exam 9-230, leave for DCA, fly out at 445, arrive PDX midnight!!!!!
june 3rd- hang with the broski, meet up with the parents, go to leslee's graduation at OHSU, and party!
june 4th- go to the dalles and celebrate grandma edna's 96th(!) birthday!! drive home to BEND!
june 5th- pick up the cole-bakers from RDM airport!
june 6th- LOVE WORK =)
june 7th- first gig/wedding
june 8th- DIRTY HALF!!! and Balloons over Bend gig right afterwards!!!

let the games begin...
Can hardly wait to be back home for the summer!!!
see you soon!

what i've been up to

2008-04-30T03:52:00.001-07:00

well- this semester is definitely requiring much more of my time for studying. i am taking neuroscience- and lab, endocrinology, ambulatory care, evidence based medicine, and medical spanish. interesting stuff, but time consuming for sure. other than studying, i've been doing some running, some hanging out with friends, even some "camping" up at the blackburn trail center on the AT! fun fun!

last weekend i volunteered as a docent for the georgetown tour of homes. i wish i could have taken pictures of some of those places--- absolutely incredible homes. i ride my bike through those wonderful neighborhoods everyday, and this was the perfect opportunity to peek inside a few of the homes. so much history, and so many beautiful pieces of artwork and quirky little designs. famous architects designing or redoing certain parts of each home, wood flooring that came from lumber out of the mall (as in the national mall where all the monuments now sit), and famous former tenants and owners. fun to see into that crazy DC scene for a day. what a life.

anyhow, in other news, i am all set up with a house for next year- a beautiful four story home in a wonderful neighborhood called foxhall (picture somewhere below), just a few minutes walk from school. i'll be living with 3 other girls from my class- one from portland, or! should be great- all mellow girls, and a really neat old house with tons of room. come visit!!

next monday is my birthday--- but it's also the day of our first all day neuro exam. written portion in the morning 9-12 and then lab practical in the afternoon sometime between 1-5. happy birthday to me! actually, it is surprisingly good timing. if it were any other time people would be stressing about studying. instead, everyone will want to relax and enjoy the evening without even a thought of studying! my friend jen is having us all over to her new place in old town alexandria to celebrate. she's making pina colada cake and homemade sangria. there's also talk of veggie burritos- yum!

also- i get to come home so soon! june 2nd is my last neuro exam... can't believe how much i need to learn my then. ok, this is getting long and junior high diary-ish so i am going to end it here with some fun pictures.

DC is SOOO gorgeous in the spring!
love to you all!

this morning...

2008-04-12T09:20:00.000-07:00

so there is an annual fundraising event at gtown called the ironmed triathlon. it benefits the HOYA clinic- a student run free clinic in underserved DC. since i haven't been in the pool in A WHILE, i decided to do the duathlon (about a week ago.) it was SO fun. next year i am definitely doing the tri though- duathlons are kind of painful! we started from the yates feild house up a pretty substantial hill near the hospital on campus. from there we ran down to the C&O Canal and ran a 5K out and back, back up the hill- ugh- grabbed bikes and headed back down to the canal, did an out and back 20K, back up the hill- UGH- and ran back down to the canal for one more 5K, and of course, back up the HILL-- UGH! anyways, it was really fun, and really fun to see all the triathletes and runners. i love athletes! they are so awesome and inspring. oh- and the mayor- mayor fenty, did the triathlon! pretty cool. anwyays, unfortunately i couldn't find my camera this morning, but i did find it when i got home, so here's a few pictures post race.

things i learned: definitely do the tri to avoid three trips up and down the monster hill! use a road bike, the entire course ended up being paved. wear a watch and know the course before you go. and where my glasses for the bike! i ended up alone for miles and miles and was sure i had missed some sort of turn. so then i started slowing down and looking for other people. considered turning around numerous times, finally did but ran into the guy behind me not too far back luckily!! so i turned around and headed out a little farther to the turn around. running to an upbeat song really helps when you're tired!

hopefully everyone is enjoying this awesome spring day!
love,
e.

so many pictures, so few blogs...

2008-03-29T19:45:00.000-07:00

i always intend to write more blogs than i actually do... and now i want to blog about the cherry blossom extravaganza going on over here, but i feel like all these other photos will never make it on here. so i'm going to put em up now, and as the festival lasts many weeks, im sure you'll see plenty of those photos in the coming month!

i just got home from spring break. it was so nice to be in bend for 10 days- just what the doctor ordered. when i got back here it was instant spring with blossoming trees everywhere and warm and sunny days. i just hope the humidity doesn't start kicking in anytime soon.

so, here are some pictures around DC. i honestly feel like i could walk around all day everyday snapping photos that would awe you. the buildings out here are just SO incredible! especially the colorful row houses and the crazy georgetown mansions that literally look like castles. so here are few i've been meaning to put up. i've tried to group them together so you can tell what's what...

starting up above with some really beautiful churches around the city, and down below with my favorite bridge guardians- the buffalo. followed by the dahlgren chapel on the gu campus. next the awesome embassies with their fancy cars and intrigue. and then, sandwhiched between the red doors that i love so much- some of the beautiful and colorful homes around georgetown. next, the national museum of women artists. my favorite japanese mural painted on the side of a row house near gu. and even a little preview of the blossoming trees as i saw them at night walking back from the metro after a LONG day flying across the country.

enjoy!

dinner parties to live for

2008-03-07T16:33:00.000-08:00

so, since i've been in DC i have spent many WONDERFUL evenings with the joly family! it is SO nice to be in their home, to feel so loved, and to enjoy DELICIOUS home cooked meals. last weekend they invited another handful of our classmates over for an authentic italian meal. paola, an italian exchange student living with them for a few months, and joanna, one of the best people i've ever known, spent all day cooking up lasagna, bread, bruchetta, and AMAZING tiramisu! everything was soooo good, and it was so fun to be with such a great group of people. we even had a little sing along jam session after dinner. here are a few photos i snapped during the festivities. did you know lasagna doesn't really have any cheese in it?? bechamel sauce takes its place... i never knew!

the two week countdown and other stories

2008-03-01T06:55:00.000-08:00

well, i suppse a lot has happened here since i last wrote a blog. let's see...

i went to school everyday, or almost everyday. i rode my bike across the francis scott key bridge(author of the star spangled banner):

through georgetown:

and past the undergrad castles:

i went to a great brunch in fancy schmancy riggs library, in gaston hall, where i met the woman who endorses my scholarship.

then a few weekends later she took me to a museum, a hoyas bball game, and a fun tapas place in the city!!

on the way home i caught this phenomenal sunset.

also, a major highlight of my weekend was getting to spend time with chris and laurie and their new baby girl lucy!! chris was out in richmond on business, and laur and lucy came to visit a friend in ashburn, and i was lucky enough to get to spend time with all of them! what a cute little family!!

i've also been going on a few runs, taking a few tests, trying out a few new coffee shops, and living with a new roommate! but, i feel like this post is already pretty cluttered... so, more pictures and more words to come next time. hopefully i can figure out how to format these a little better!

my family...

2008-02-16T17:35:00.000-08:00

just recovered a few photos i thought i had lost. i love these!! courtesy of Josh Cordell in Bend, OR.

PS

2008-02-14T13:06:00.001-08:00

what i forgot to mention in that last post was that this little event took place at the perfect time- a mere week or so after a friend sent me a link to a SAD article essentially saying even the beauty of music can't overcome the hustle and bustle of city life.

To be exact- it was a Washington Post article called "Pearls Before Breakfast" found here:
http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2007/04/04/AR2007040401721.html

it's a really great article- but really long- so if you want the short and sweet summary- the ingredients were: "one of the finest classical musicians in the world (Joshua Bell), playing some of the most elegant music ever written on one of the most valuable violins ever made (a stradavarius with quite an interesting history)." The setting: L'enfant plaza- a busy metro station in Washington DC. "His performance was arranged by The Washington Post as an experiment in context, perception and priorities -- as well as an unblinking assessment of public taste: In a banal setting at an inconvenient time, would beauty transcend?"

unfortunately- no. or, at least judging by the majority reaction- no. beauty did not transcend the hustle and bustle- instead it got ignored, walked past, and even purposefully avoided.

If you have some spare time- give the article a read--- it even has audio and video options so you can see the response for yourself.

anyhow- thank goodness for this personal antithetical experience to restore my hope in the power of music and the goodness of the people of DC--- or at least in Northern Virginia!

quick funny story

2008-02-13T14:14:00.001-08:00

so here i am in my apartment, BORED, trying to study some pulmonary physiology, but mainly distracted by food and music and politics and just about anything i can think of. i pick up my guitar every so often and sing some songs, half way concerned that my neighbors must be sick of hearing the same things over and over. our walls are pretty flimsy. anyhow, most of them aren't home from work yet so not to worry. but, during the middle of one of the songs- a ben harper song to be exact- i just felt like someone was listening to me... so i kept playing and walked over to the door to peer through the peep hole- and wouldn't you know it- a guy is hanging out on the stairwell! FUNNY! i've never gone to the peep hole to check if someone is out there while im playing!! ha! but there he is, with a big bag in tow- like a wheely suitcase of some sort. and so i just keep walking around the apartment playing. i hear the door below open and figure he has left. play some more songs. but heard the door open below, so i go to check again- there he is again! now sitting on the stairwell- bag free- just looking down at the ground and listening! unbelievable. so i play a few more songs. he's still there. i think about opening the door, but what do i say? hi. i felt you listening and peeked out at you. do you want to play some music? probably should have- but instead i just kept playing. and somewhere in the midst of just messing around without singing, he took off again. now i watched him, go out to the parking lot and hop in a car and leave. oh well. hope he enjoyed.

the major highlight of my day...

2008-02-09T11:31:00.000-08:00

thus far has been the delicious latte i consumed this morning from the java hut, but more importantly and excitingly- the ticket i booked to fly home march 15th!!! that's right, 5 weeks and i'll be arriving at the lovely little redmond airport around noon! i absolutely cannot wait. and, the best part is i was able to book it for $10 using my mileage--- it finally came through for me. i tried a few weeks ago but couldn't seem to get it to cooperate- i would have had to use all of my mileage and it just didn't seem right. but for some reason when i tried it today i was able to book the flights i wanted using half as much mileage, meaning another free ticket home available for whenever i need it, (aka june 3rd when i get the heck out of here for the summer). so, just wanted to say- you better be in town march 15th-24th... or else.

mind running free...

2008-01-31T15:08:00.000-08:00

it's funny where my mind wanders when my legs are carrying me through a good run.

often to issues/subjects i'm wrestling with, usually to friends and family and God and prayer, and not as often as one might assume, to songs.

if i've got the ipod along for the ride, then the soundtrack is pretty standard. a mish mash of hiphop, worship songs, soundtracks, etc. but usually i leave the music at home and try to enjoy some real peace and quiet- contemplation- communion- freedom.

so, all that to say, i was nearing the end of a fabulous run the other day- had plenty of time talking to God, thinking on things, snapping photos along the way, etc... and my mind wandered to this blog. i started thinking about how enjoyable it is to search out the fun and beautiful things in DC so that i can share them with everyone back home. i started thinking about all the crazy novel things i wanted to make sure to get pictures of, the awesome friends i wanted to make sure i introduced, the events i wanted to be a part of so that i could report back on them. and then, however it happens, my brain just started down its own course slightly below consciousness, as my legs carried me home.

before i knew it i realized i was singing a chorus in rhythm with my steps, a chorus i'd been repeating over and over again for at least the last mile. it had become my mantra, automatically, repeatedly, surprisingly not annoyingly...

over and over again the simple words and cheerful melody looped through my head---

"just a spoon full of sugar helps the medicine go down, the medicine go down, the medicine go down. just a spoon full of sugar helps the medicine go down- in the most delightful way!"

i know you are all gagging right about now- but i can't help it, it's just the simple truth of the story. my brain realized i had hit gold here--- and in the simplest terms, looking for blogging material has really changed my perspective and helped me to search out and recognize the cool stuff about living in DC/NOVA. such a simple shift of focus, that has made such a big difference in my attitude, and thus, my quality of life!

so similiar to something i've read so many times before...

"Finally, brethren, whatsoever things are true, whatsoever things are honest, whatsoever things are just, whatsoever things are pure, whatsoever things are lovely, whatsoever things are of good report; if there be any virtue, and if there be any praise, think on these things." phil 4:8

loving and missing you all- but looking on the bright side in DC!

a good week

2008-01-20T20:16:00.000-08:00

another week in the virgina suites has come to an end, and rumor has it i can move back into my apartment tomorrow--- i have to admit, i'm going to miss the magic of returning home to a tidy room, bed made, fresh towels folded, etc... but, hopefully it will be nice to be back in my own place.

highlights of last week:

-Physio Exam number one- over and done, and actually a fair feeling exam.

-Snow! SO beautiful, but COLD!

-Some fabulous runs around the monuments- it's just so convenient and flat from down here at the hotel. Saw some fantastic sunsets and even discovered a hidden monument on a route i've taken a few times before. it is dedicated specifically to the residents of the district who served during a world war- i'm assuming ww1... anyhow, it may be one of my new favorites, a treasure in the rough.

-Delicious coffee mainly in my room from my french press, but also a tasty HUGE perfectly frothy latte from Tryst this morning- a sweet coffee house in adam's morgan.

-Progressive bang cutting- been leaving the scissors in fron of the mirror and cutting at will when i get bored. probably need to lay off now though, they might be getting a little short.

-Out and about with some new friends last night, nice to be social, especially with such awesome people.

- Somehow the Oscar Mayer mobile ended up taking residence in the parking lot of my hotel. like my friend joanna said, it was sort of like encountering a mythical character.

-A chilly bike ride through the city this afternoon just for the heck of it. I love riding bikes!

JUNO!!

2008-01-14T18:46:00.000-08:00

As mentioned in an earlier blog, I am experiencing a revival of interest in movies. So, last friday night I went to see Juno with some friends from school. I LOVED it!! I had heard the name but not seen any previews, which is always an exciting way to approach the theatre...

I think I can safely say this is my new favorite movie. What a social commentary on our generation! It had all the makings of great entertainment. Artsy, funny, dramatic, realistic enough, and an awesome soundtrack. A must see.

And today (after my physio exam and a good run)- I was going to take a nap, but instead got sucked into Bee Season- an intriguing movie about a young Jewish girl with a gift for letters overlying an interesting plot about the spiritual yearning of a very talented family.

SEE JUNO. ASAP. or at least humor me and watch the trailer at the top and then rent Bee Season or ONCE on a rainy day.

another repost from myspace

2008-01-14T17:16:00.000-08:00

Saturday, December 01, 2007

"thankful"
Current mood: thankful

i'm so thankful for my life thus far... i feel like i have lived in a fairy tale full of a million amazing memories already, and there's still so much life left to live.

right now i am thankful for my new friends, especially the ones that link me to my old ones- i never realized how important it was to know people who could relate to my life- people who could have an inkling of where i came from and what makes me tick.

i'm SO thankful for my family and how perfectly unassuming they are, how completely UNdramatic their lives are, how openly and freely loving they are.

i'm thankful that i get to go home in two weeks from today.

and i'm very thankful that it is so sunny in DC... i think i'd go totally nuts without the sun shining most days, it's a little bit of home, cold winter air and crystal clear bright blue skies. i even get to run through piles of fiery leaves everyday...

thanks

Currently reading : Basic Histology: Text & Atlas (Basic Histology)By Luiz Carlos Junqueira Release date: By 21 March, 2005

old blogs from myspace reposted for the non-myspacers among us...

2008-01-14T17:12:00.000-08:00

Monday, November 19, 2007

what i am learning...
Current mood: drained
Category: Life

too many things to even begin to capture in a blog.

first of all, and somehow seemingly the smallest portion of what i feel i am truly learning right now, is every crazy detail about the human body- from the outside in. this includes things as strange as what it feels like to scalp a person, and as simple as the size, shape, and relative location of internal organs.

it also includes the names of all of the muscles controlling your grossest and finest motor coordination, the nerves supplying these muscles and the tensile strength that differentiates these from the vessels they often run with. and then there are the microscopic details of the renal corpuscle, the innumerable biochemical pathways responsible for our existence, and the rumor that our vasculature could span a distance of roughly 50,000 miles if we could lay it all out there...

beyond that there are the ethics courses where we very unfortunately never actually learned anything about ethics, the PPB class where we at least had contact with patients, and the IHC class where i wish i would have learned some more about the current healthcare system.

but, what i am really learning right now is who i am. not only who i am, but who i want to be, and who i don't want to be. and where i want to be versus where i don't want to be. what things are crucial in my life, and what things i can go without. the realizations aren't shocking- but they are good. they are assuring, or confirming in nature.

i want to be a doctor. i want to be a good doctor. i want to be a surgeon, a fantastic one. but i want to be happy. and for me, this means being somewhere beautiful, and being a part of a community.

i want to practice in bend. i want to be near my family and all of my amazing friends. i want to do my residency in portland. or seattle. but, definitely in the NW.

i am not impressed by big name places. i do not need to live in a crappy city and work at a crazy hospital just to have the experience. my education in bend was the best education i could have received. big universities kind of suck. big cities are not for me- at least not permanently.

the lord often teaches me/disciplines me by taking me completely out of my comfort zone. but, my life doesn't have to consist of uncomfortable situations just for the sake of adventure or growth. there's not much more i want or need than to simply be near my loved ones. i never realized this was such a big deal. but it is.

it is good to go away, to meet new people, to learn and grow in new ways, but it also SUCKS. it is hard. it is lonely. it is frustrating. but it is telling. and, if nothing else, i am happy to know a few more things about myself, and my God, more assuredly.

Currently listening to: Happiness By The Weepies Release date: By 08 June, 2004

hotel living

2008-01-08T18:45:00.000-08:00

well, the insurance adjuster, wall/floor ripper outers, and the "mold specialist" came today. they went ahead and ripped everything apart and started the process of drying out the place while i was in class... they don't waste anytime. supposed to take a week or two to get rid of the mold and rebuild/repaint/recarpet the place. kind of inconvenient. unsure of what im supposed to do with all of my stuff that's still chilling in the apartment. oh well, it'll all work out. starting tomorrow i get my own suite with a full kitchen which will be nice.

should be studying...

2008-01-07T16:03:00.000-08:00

...but instead I'm writing this little blog! Well, no apartment update as of yet, hopefully I'll be getting a new room someday soon. As for now i just sleep on the couch. It's more comfortable and less smelly than the other room. So, classes started last thursday, I got in friday, and then spent a fun evening at the Joly household... wish I'd taken some photos. It was a great time. Lots of good food, music, games, and awesome people--all of the makings of a fantastic night!!

Saturday morning I met up with some girls for a quick run around the monuments. It sure is beautiful here. Blue skies everyday so far. Today was downright balmy. Literally. Anyways, I took another jaunt from Arlington to the mall on sunday to get a few snapshots for the old blogspot. Guess I'll just upload them for your viewing pleasure...

To the far left is a large gift to the US from the Netherlands located near the Iwo Jima Memorial (just left). Both of these monuments are situated right in front of my friend Adam's apartment (that's where we met up for our run). Apparently the piece from the Netherlands has various bells hanging up top that can be played and at certain times during the warmer months an older gentleman comes out to play... can't wait to hear it. I guess there is a pretty killer view from up there too.

The marine corps marathon ended right next to the Iwo Jima memorial. Oh painful memories...

Next we ran past the Arlington Cemetery- that's a sobering amount of headstones to say the least.

Here's some of the classic goods: the Lincoln Memorial, the Washington Monument, and the Capitol Building at the end of the mall.

One of my favorites is the World War II Memorial, located at the end of the reflecting pool in front of the Lincoln Memorial. It's especially beautiful at night when it's all lit up.

My other favorite is the Jefferson Memorial- but I'll have to catch that one another time, my legs were feeling a little confused as to why I was running so much all of a sudden. (I didn't take many runs during my holiday break).

The bridges all have pretty cool guardians posted at either side. Maybe I'll take a bike ride and capture all of my favorites- I am especially fond of the buffalo bridge near Georgetown.

In my boredom I've rediscovered an interest in movies- so last night I watched "once" a great little film about struggling musicians following their dreams- recommended to me by a wise man- I would definitely pass on the recommendation. Fun for everyone, (maybe especially interesting for musicians). Any other recommendations out there?? I find it kind of difficult to find a good new movie these days.

As for learning, which is after all the title of this blog, I am certainly learning more and more about myself everyday. What makes me tick, what makes me happy/sad, what I need to be happy/healthy. I'm also learning how to live independently. It's funny all those years people called me "so independent!" I never realized how completely dependent I really was!! And now, here I am, thousands of miles from everything I know and love, learning what it truly means to be independent, and trying to learn how to thrive here, outside of all the wonderful love and support inherent to my life in Bend. I'll try to repost my blog from myspace from a few weeks ago as I think it expands on these things a bit.

Anyhow, what I need to be learning is all the Physiology stuff that's going to be on my first exam next Monday! yipes!

new year, might as well try something new...

2008-01-04T23:21:00.000-08:00

this is the beginning of my new blog- i am a beginner at all of this, so please bear with me...

well, here i am back in DC after a wonderful christmas break. i arrived early this morning- just after 2am to be exact. luckily my friend joanna was sweet enough to offer to retrieve me from dulles at that ridiculous hour. it was nice to get "home" in a way, although i must admit the last few days in bend were bittersweet as i knew my time there was quickly coming to an end. i started getting a little moody, a little stressed, a bit antsy. afterall, being home is sort of like being involved in a neverending fairytale...

i had plenty of awesome days skate skiing with carol,

hanging out with "the other two,"

...even went fishing on one of the coldest and clearest days.

needless to say, it's difficult to leave bend. on the way to the airport i nearly started crying. luckily i have one of the most wonderful and funniest best friends, (please see photo at right) and she kept me in pretty good spirits, as she always seems to do.

my flights were bumpy, but otherwise uneventful. thankfully i have a great gift for sleeping through flights no matter how long or short- it's pretty sweet! on my flight from chicago to dulles i sat next to an interesting woman from portland and we had a great chat about life and family and oregon. then i waited around for a good hour for my baggage- my guitar never ended up arriving. luckily it did arrive today and they are delivering it to my place tomorrow.

the only other excitement was upon arriving home i thought it smelled kind of funny in my hallway. in my room i discovered the lights weren't working so i plugged in my christmas lights and realized there had been some sort of an incident while i was away... seems there was a washing machine debacle in the apartment upstairs which resulted in a large amount of water leaking through my ceiling and soaking my bed/floor. unfortunately it actually warped the floor quite badly and i think the room will have to be ripped apart a bit before it's fixed. fortunately i have an awesome landlord and she is doing her best to take care of everything as quickly as possible.

classes started yesterday. they waste no time here. today we had physiology, medical genetics, and intro to healthcare lectures. we also had biochemistry yesterday, but i missed out.
exams start up a week from monday, so no time to exactly "ease" back into it. oh well. might as well just get it over with. genetics was by far one of the most interesting classes i had in undergrad, so i am sort of looking forward to this 3 week crash course.

ok, i'm getting very sleepy now. better call it good before this gets too long and boring.
blog one- done!